THE INFLUENCER MASTERCLASS ON HOW NOT TO DRESS FOR COACHELLA

Coachella! It's not just musicians cutting a rug — or, if they're Frank Ocean, causing controversies — it's also a verifiable runway for the worst outfits on the planet. Hey, blame the influencers and those they influence.

Now, you may think that just because there's a photo of Zoey Deutch up there, that I'm using her as an example of what bad Coachella outfits looks like. Quite the opposite!

Deutch's look actually took off on Twitter during the 2023 edition of the festival, as armchair fashionistas weighed in on her "low-effort" look without realizing that this is actually how you should be dressing for Coachella. Really, this is how everyone should dress at Coachella.

Sensible T-shirt? Check. Shoulder bag for essentials? Check. Skirt for hot weather comfort? Check. Comfy sneakers? Check. Take notes, any would-be Coachella attendee: Deutch is doing everything right.

Now, the reason why I mention Zoey Deutch at all is because her outfit is the antithesis of how now to dress at Coachella. Keep this in mind as we delve into the worst of it all, which really hinges on influencers showing up in statement outfits — bedazzled hair, tiered dresses, bikini tops included.

Like influencer Loren Gray explained, most influencers show up to Coachella in their poised, over-the-top look-at-me outfits to get some photos and then dip. They're there for the content, and that's it.

Trust, Coachella is not a place to wear anything but the essentials. You don't want to wear uncomfortable clothes or really even anything too revealing, because it's incredibly hot during the day (sunscreen is a must unless you cover up) and briskly windy at night, which sends dust flying all over the place.

Fancy Coachella 'fits are all fun and games until your sweaty, dehydrated bod is covered in sand like a chicken tender being rolled in herbs 'n spices.

In other words, don't do what the D'Amelio sisters did.

Now, I'm only using Chali and Dixie D'Amelio as examples of what you shouldn't do at Coachella because they're extremely visible influencers — nothing personal. And, for what it's worth, they look just fine out of context.

Except for this one weird outfit Dixie wore to the Revolve party that was really just giving Charlie Brown.

If you're a celebrity who's perpetually supplied with water and shade, then perhaps you can walk around with flowy dresses, heels, and platform boots.

Otherwise, you'll be getting dirty and exhausted but quick. Given that water bottles alone presumably cost upwards of $8 apiece, you've gotta have that influencer money to survive, too.